This post articulates well the common struggle of pursuing your ambitions and not doing so or not being able to do so; Idealism versus reality. Here is an edited excerpt:
“But there’s something so cosmically brave and correct and optimistic and honorable in believing on some level that you can make something in this world and survive… Who is willing to gamble with their grocery and rent money instead of their joie de vivre.
Your twenties are a weird time in general, I guess. And it will probably only get worse the older I get. People filing into med schools and law schools and special programs to specialize in things that they have no practical experience in but they think they’d probably like and it’s all just a gamble. But there’s always something at stake.
… But more than anything, I need to appreciate where I am right now. And where I am moving. And where I have been. That even if I’m farting on a couch in the public library, I am doing it with my whole ass on the line. And something about that feels right.”
The part about going to school and how it’s a gamble is real for me. I’ve been considering going back to school, but I think I haven’t made a real decision, because I’m afraid of staking something that I can’t get back—the time, money, and energy. And the possibility that all of it will be in vain.